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Most of the dialogue isn’t quite as startlingly discordant as that, but it’s still garbage. F*****g witches.” I don’t recall hearing any of the other characters swear at all, so I just like to assume that Bridges was drinking as much on set as he is in the movie and ad-libbed it for his own (and my) amusement. It’s baffling, and in no way improved by the sheer absurdity of his dialogue at one point, he’s trotting up some stairs, and spits over his shoulder, “There are witches that need killing. Nobody really seems to be clear on it, but nonetheless there’s another Blood Moon due in a week or so, and because Master Greg’s apprentices keep dying (Harington being the most recent of a fair few), he needs a new intern on the double.īridges is putting on a bizarre voice for Greg, like a slurring, alcoholic Bane, and he delivers all of his lines in a mumbled torrent. They’re particularly useful during the once-a-century Blood Moon – a menstruating solar eclipse which, for reasons unknown to me, gives all the world’s beasties some kind of increased power.
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Here, he’s shunted aside in favour of Ben Barnes, a black-hole charisma-trap of an actor who, for the record, looks every single day of his 33 years – odd, considering that this is yet another movie based on a series of young-adult novels, and the hero in those is 12 (which is, incidentally, the sole age at which Seventh Son both starts and stops being appealing).īarnes plays Tom Ward, the seventh son of a seventh son, who, thanks to his mathematically-convenient lineage, is roped into being the new apprentice of Master Gregory (Jeff Bridges) – a “Spook”, which as far as I can tell is the nickname for an ancient order of demon/dragon/witch hunters who’ve been pretty much wiped out over the years. Harington built his career while Seventh Son was sat on a shelf somewhere. You’d assume, if Seventh Son was a better or at least smarter movie, that this is some kind of subversive cinematic rug-pulling, rather than simply the casting of a (at the time) nobody actor in a nothing role. It’s evident early, when Kit Harington (Jon Snow in HBO’s Game of Thrones) is summarily immolated in the first ten minutes. That transition took a while, too, a lot longer than a movie of this quality deserves. But there’s no life in these visuals, no heart beating beneath the gloss they’re artlessly structured, frequently stupid, and strung haphazardly together along a ninety-minute scenic tour of mediocrity. The art department probably got a few collective slaps on the back, and someone evidently threw a lot of money at Seventh Son to facilitate the transition from paper to screen. There’s a different orc-ish dude with tusks who fights using wrestling manoeuvres, a witch who turns into a bear, another who turns into a leopard, and even a four-armed Shiva-style swordsman. You need to really commit to awfulness in order to undermine something as inherently cool as two dragons fighting to the death, say, or the hero riding a troll over the edge of a waterfall.
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And unfortunately, even though the book series appeals to kids as young as 8 or 9, the filmmakers decided to kick Tom and Alice's romance into gear almost immediately: they kiss passionately (and every kiss leads to Vikander gasping) and appear to sleep together without so much as an "I love you." Skip this and watch (or re-watch) a much worthier fantasy film instead.It’s actually kind of amazing that a movie so full of individually awesome moments can be as insultingly, unforgivably terrible as Seventh Son. There's little redeeming about Seventh Son, unless watching Bridges act drunk (half of his lines are slurred) and Moore vamp around as a dragon witch sounds like fun. Not to mention the eyebrow-raising fact that all of Mother Malkin's minions are played by minorities like Djimon Hounsou, who audiences probably forget is actually a wonderful, nuanced actor.
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What's even more galling is that the actors are all clearly phoning it in or camping it up.
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While it's nothing new for movies to age up middle-school protagonists, it's still disappointing how little (with the exception of character names) this movie resembles Delaney's popular action-packed novels. Fans of Joseph Delaney's Last Apprentice series will probably be particularly unable to stomach the movie, as they'll spend the entire time complaining (possibly out loud) how far from the books the movie diverges, starting with it's hunky 30-something star pretending to be an older teen, playing a character who in the book is actually 12. Like the Percy Jackson movies, Seventh Son is an adaption that absolutely doesn't do justice to the books on which it's based.